Struggles and Secrets

 [Updated 11/6/16]

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 

Everyone has life struggles; some big, some not so much.  I've struggled all of my life with a lot of big issues. And I've kept secrets all of my life, even from those closest to me.  It's time to let some of those secrets out.  I'm tired of holding on to them.  I'm tired of worrying what people will say if I tell them.  I'm tired of caring if people look at me different because of them...because, I no longer care what people think of me.  I don't care how many people know my secrets.  If someone wants to judge me based on my past instead of who I am today, then screw them!  Those that were around me, even my closest friends, never knew of my struggles, never knew of my bouts with depression, never knew of my loneliness.  So, when a friend and I used to play "spy" games as kids, I didn't think anything of it, and in fact I chuckled much of the time, because I was already used to hiding things from the world, my friends and even my family. Although certain aspects of the person I was in childhood are still part of me, I'm not the same person I was.  I'm still timid to a point.  I can still get embarrassed easily.  But, I'm me.  So, for the world now to see... 

My secrets and my struggles:

I've struggled not having a DAD

Because my dad had a paranoid schizophrenia, a fact that was kept from my mom prior to marrying him by both my dad and his family, my parents divorced when I was around three years old. Because of death threats and other things attributed to his mental illness, a secret primarily known only by my family members and a few close friends I told growing up, I only saw him a few hours a month (yes, a month). He was only allowed daytime hours on Saturdays, unless my mom knew ahead of time that he was taking me somewhere like the Queen Mary that would take a little longer to get back home. I last saw him the week after Christmas when I was 12. After he left the state he kept in touch via letters and packages with odd contents including nothing but newspapers, a hat filled with pins (some of which I still have), a skeleton of a cat and hundreds of hours of cassette recordings of his ramblings. My grandfather and the head of my "adopted" family filled in the role as much as they could. When dads of friends tried to fill the gap, I really didn't know how to relate to them. I didn't talk to them about my troubles because I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to reach out to them.

 

I've struggled with SELF-ESTEEM

Up until the summer before my Freshman year in high school, I was overweight. In elementary school I wore "husky" size pants and was put on a doctor-prescribed diet.  Because of not having a dad or anyone really to talk to, I was timid around girls, except the ones I grew up with. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I could be embarrassed or humiliated very easily, which a couple of girls in Junior High not only discovered but exploited until I had enough. It was said that I was "emotionally fragile."  And thus my mom didn't think I could handle the yelling of the baseball or football coaches and instead opted to get me into bowling.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy bowling. But I wish I would have been able to be on a baseball team. Because of my timidity and weight issues I was often picked on, even well into the high school years. Today it would be called being bullied. I was kind of hoping that joining the Air Force would help with this. But I was given a medical disqualification just a couple hours before leaving for boot camp. I even asked if I could join other branches, to which the answer came back negative.
 

I struggled with my GENDER

Because of the above issues, I had another secret, a secret I kept from everyone - family, friends, schoolmates...EVERYONE, until I was 19 or 20 when I revealed it to my ex-wife and a couple close friends. Considering how much I got picked on in school, could you imagine if I made this information about myself public?!?!  Even though I was timid around girls, particularly those that I developed crushes on, I could relate in many ways to them. I became a shoulder for many, and easy to talk to. And growing up with more friends who were girls instead of boys made me aware of a lot of the emotions and nuances of girls that most guys don't pick up on. It's funny... If any of the more "macho" guys who had short-term and/or shallow relationships with girls would have known about me and just how much I knew how girls would react, I bet I would have had a lot more guy friends, even on a shallow level, than I did.  I was eventually diagnosed with gender dysphoria, the desire to be in the opposite gender than what a person is born into, in my early 20s. Thanks to A LOT of prayer from friends, family and especially my wife, much of that was overcame (there is MUCH to say about the covering of a praying wife!!). But I still have to deal with it when my stress reaches a certain level, mainly because of how many years I dealt with it in the first half of my life. It's not something I want any part of. It's not something that I want in my life, but annoyingly enough, it is. Some may simply say that it's a spiritual issue, but it's not that simple. I spent an entire summer doing the research to find out why I was the the way I was. Come to find out that the common, and primary, factor was a non-existent or absent father in the family, with a second primary factor was a father, absent or not, with a mental illness.  BOOM!  I had both factors. Se la vie.


I've struggled with MATURITY

Attributing much to those factors above, my maturity has never matched my age.  If there were any signs of my maturity matching or being above my age it was only due to a spiritual cause and for a season.  I describe maturity using a rubber band.  Most people have a maturity factor that matches, or nearly matches, their age as they progress, as they stretch out that rubberband, of life.  With me, one side, my age, of the rubberband moves a little faster than the other, my maturity.  It's why I will get involved in video games when there are higher priorities that need taken care of, or want to steer clear of conflicts, and other issues that come with being a mature adult.  On the flip side, it makes it a little easier to relate to people younger than myself. 

 

I have struggled with jobs and EMPLOYMENT

As a teen and in my early 20s I was roped into doing data entry jobs because of my typing speed and accuracy. Not only did I find out that I have to have challenges in a job but also I would get burned out doing the same monotonous things after 3 months, almost to the day. That pattern repeated much later in life than it should. No one ever told me about the importance of staying at a job or how to advance "up the ladder," so my job history has suffered until recently.

I have struggled in MARRIAGE

My first marriage should never have happened. We were too young and too immature to get married, let alone have the two kids we did. She had to deal with the two of the first three issues I stated above, and I had to deal with her issues. In the end, I became the target of emotional and verbal abuse by her and her family, as well as having to deal with her multiple affairs during our brief  thirteen-month marriage. Plus, she gave up her parental rights to her mother as soon as the divorce papers were filed. All of the struggles I listed above above nearly ruined my second marriage, as well. We have had other issues that have not made life easy. But, we made solid commitments to each other that have made it possible to overcome the multitude problems we have encountered. My wonderful wife, Teresa, and I have recently celebrated our TWENTY-FIRST wedding anniversary and look forward to many more until the end of our days.

I have struggled with ABUSE

As I stated, my ex-wife and her family became emotionally and verbally abusive. My last employer became abusive inasmuch as it was my boss' boss that stated, in so many words, that I would never be anything beyond a peon while I was under him.  I ended up working seven days a week, on top of another part-time job. I would get scolded if something under my control was broken, even during the weekends. Eventually, I had a couple of breakdowns, or more correctly "episodes," with the last one permanently keeping me home and away from that job.  In research about PTSD and Complex PTSD I have also learned about emotional neglect by my mom that I have suffered as a child. This was not intentional, but rather through personalities and situational learned response of my family. Telling each other "I love you," giving hugs and showing other forms of familial affection was nearly unheard of in my family when I was growing up.  It may have been said now and then, or even between my grandmother, whom I was closer to than my mom, and extended family. But it was never said by mom to me unless I said it first. She showed her love in many, many ways; but tended not to say it or physically express it.  It was an understood thing.  It took my ex-wife, who said those words quite often, to get me to start saying it.  As adults, we hug every time we say goodby. But the "I love you" is still absent from our conversations and parting times.

But the one thing I have never, and I mean *NEVER*, ever struggled with is my belief in YHWH/God and His Son, Yeshua/Jesus. 

Even when I was crying out every day to be someone that *I* wanted to be, He never faultered at being there for me saying, "My son, I have so much more for you."  From the age of twelve, shortly before my earthly dad left the state we were living in, when I accepted Yeshua/Jesus as my Messiah, my Heavenly Father has been there to guide me, to discipline me, to help me, to hold my hand, to tell me "no" (or "I said, 'NO!'), to comfort me and everything else a Daddy is supposed to do.  I may not have always followed His instructions or guidance (what child does 100% of the time?), but I have always loved Him and He has, and will always love me!  I do not keep that a secret. In fact, I boldly proclaim it, and everyone who currently knows me knows that fact!


So, there you have it - the things that have made me damaged, and the one thing that has made me whole. I have left many details out for brevity sake. But wanted to include some to help clarify some of the issues. When we struggle in life, which can be daily or even down to the minute, there are different ways we can deal with those struggles. Depending on how severe or complex they may be, we can tackle them, take them head on or, as I did, hide them from those around us. It's these struggles, and how we handle them, that make us who we are later in life. There are many things in life that people who were raised in healthy families get to do or know how to deal with that I don't, or am still learning. That's okay. Because I enjoy learning and I enjoy challenges.

I didn't write this post to be pitied or to simply draw attention to myself. I wanted you, the reader, know that there may be a person, or several, in your life that is struggling much, much more than you realize. I wanted to let you know that, compared to some, my struggles are very, very minuscule.  Your struggles may be greater than mine, and they may be smaller. It doesn't matter...because everyone has struggles. But it really doesn't matter...because YHWH/God is bigger than all of our struggles combined and He allows us to go through them so that we can look to Him, and call out to Him...so that His name will be glorified in the end.  As the verse below shows, God, our Potter, reworks us into something new when we call out to Him...and BELIEVE that He can make us into something new. 

 So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
-- Jeremiah 18:3-4